Waiting on the curb at the Washington, DC airport, I was thrilled when I saw MARRIOTT in red letters on the side of the courtesy van. In a thick accent, the driver confirmed that I was staying at the Fairview something Marriott. "Yes, and I am ready to go," was my enthusiastic reply. Dinner was on my mind.

Off we went for about a mile and a half. We pulled up in front of the Fairfield Inn Marriott. As I looked at the sign, it hit me; I was suppose to be at the Fairview Park Marriott, about 30 miles away. Luckily, I was leading a workshop - yes, Active Listening Skills - the next day, not that evening.

Why is active, effective listening so important? Clearly, active listening saves us time and money, and reduces stress. 82% of the problems in the workplace come from miscommunication. At least half of these problems could be eliminated with active listening.

People who do not listen well are boring. Sadly, they often feel lonely and isolated without realizing why. They rarely figure out what is wrong unless someone cares enough to help them see what they are not doing. What aren't they doing?

Active listening is not just hearing the words. I heard the words of the driver and acted anyway, because I had not really listened. Active listening is internalizing, feeling, and experiencing what has been said. Real listening requires focus, intention, and a desire to do so. To fully understand what has been communicated, we have to confirm, clarify and give feedback.

Confirming is paraphrasing in your own words. Confirming begins with an opening such as, "Let me understand, you said . . .What I hear is . . . You were feeling . . . We are going to the Fairview Marriott." Every time a communication is important, emotional and / or complex, we need to confirm what we think we have heard.

Confirming has huge benefits, because everyone appreciates being heard. Confirming helps you take mental notes of the conversation as it continues, helps to cool down a conflict, and slows anger. Confirming eliminates false assumptions, errors and misinterpretations immediately. After you have confirmed, you know that you are in the communication loop.

Clarifying is asking questions to insure you understand the whole picture, the subtle nuances. Clarifying sounds like this, "How does what was said effect the project?" or "What do you think will happen now?" or "I want to make sure I am reading your body language correctly, are you feeling . . . ?" Clarifying shows that you are willing to work at the conversation. You have to think and assimilate what you are hearing to ask questions that are significant to the topic and emotional state of the speaker.

Feedback is the bow on the gift of active listening. It helps the speaker understand the effect of her communication. After you have confirmed and clarified, feedback is then appropriate and in many cases needed. Give your reactions, observations, and feelings. Do so immediately, with integrity and caring. Sharing your thoughts and feelings will enable the communication to continue, the relationship to deepen, and trust to grow. Listening is a gift we give others and ourselves.

Why didn't I use active listening when I know how to, and teach the skill regularly? We all have barriers to listening. When we are tired, hungry, listening to an accent that is not familiar to us, or in a noisy environment, we need to pay more attention to the details. We must remind ourselves to confirm and clarify.

Active listening has obvious signs: eye contact for 5 or more seconds, leaning slightly forward, confirming, clarifying, and actively overcoming barriers. As Stephen Covey would say, "Seeking first to understand, then to be understood."

Listening is an essential skill for creating and maintaining meaningful relationships. If you are a good listener, others are drawn to talk to you; they share what they are thinking and feeling, which causes the relationship to deepen. And as we actively listen we save ourselves time - and arrive at the right destination the first time!

© Shawn Kent, 1998
Shawn Kent, President of Influence Mastery Inc., works with organizations that want their people to connect better with others and with people who want to communicate more clearly. Ms. Kent is the author of Mastering Your Influence™ and The Influence Journey. Shawn is available for coaching or training on Influence, Mentoring, Networking and Presentation Skills. Call 800.393.5707 for more information or visit www.InfluenceMastery.com    

Back to "Features" Menu